Just a Little More Sense
by phoenixyfriend
Summary: Paris wasn't really the smartest of men. Why not give the choice of the judgement to someone else? One by one, various characters replace him in The Judgment of Paris... and do a rather good job of irritating a trio of self-absorbed goddesses.
1. Prologue

If just Paris had just had a little more sense, the war would have never happened. Sure, he would probably be _dead_, but thousands of other people _wouldn't_ be.

Alas, every man is ruled by his penis.

In Greek Myth, anyway.

Hera, Aphrodite, Athena.

They had told him to choose who was the most beautiful.

Because of an apple.

Thrown by the Goddess of Discord, Eris.

This should have been the first clue.

Another clue to just try to back out of it or compromise would have been when they tried to bribe him.

Or when he was told that the most beautiful woman in the world was royalty.

And the daughter of Zeus.

And that he was royalty too.

There were a _lot_ of clues.

If just one man had been ruled by logic, instead of emotion, things would have turned out completely differently.

Then again, if we simply _replaced_ Paris, we would have a completely different storyline…

Wouldn't we?

o.o.o.o.o

Jashin groaned in annoyance. "C'mon Kami, this is ridiculous!"

"You don't have permission to talk."

The blue-haired god gnashed his teeth at his compatriot. "So they called you a copy-cat. Big whoop. It's not that big of a deal."

The blond goddess spun to face him. "Of course it is! I could easily best any one of them in a fight, and they don't even show me an ounce of respect!"

"That isn't the prob… is that a phone number?"

"Yes."

"Whose?" Jashin asked the question slowly, almost afraid of the answer.

"Eris'." Kami ignored the face that the man next to her made.

"What? Why would you—?"

"We'll be doing a little inter-dimensional transplantation on people and time-travel soon." Kami turned and put some odd contraption in Jashin's arms. "You're helping."

He gaped open-mouthed at her.

"Oh, come on!"

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: This was supposed to be a one-shot where I made Paris logical. I'll probably still write the one-shot… but halfway through, I started to imagine replacing him with Shino… or Neji… or Kiba… and then I couldn't stop myself. What is **_**wrong**_** with me?**

**This is also the first time I've written the word penis. It feels weird to write it. I feel like I really need to go wash my hands now.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix.**


	2. Shino

Shino blinked as he stood up, eyeing the area around him. The trees weren't the kind that could be found around Konoha, and the heat and humidity were wrong for this time of year.

His kikkaichu buzzed at him, informing him of the strange, stale chakra in the air. Rarely used and wholly unknown and unrecognized for what it was, they said.

A cough drew his attention, and he spun around, already tensing up in case of a fight. How strange, that he had been unable to sense these people.

Three women stared back at him, calculating. All of them were beautiful, but held arrogant expressions and stances, and wore strange clothing. Their eyes were also strangely large and round, not at all like the women he was used to seeing; those eyes lacked the elegant points that characterized so many women in Konoha, particularly the ones in the old clans.

"He seems rather… reserved." One of the women bit out. She looked to be the youngest, with blonde hair that was nearly bright enough to rival Naruto's, and a curvaceous body that would have made a less controlled man blush and begin daydreaming.

Shino remained silent.

He didn't, after all, know Ancient Greek.

o.o.o.o.o

"Made a bit of a mistake there, Kami?" Jashin provoked her without a care in the world for the look on her face, smirking as he watched Shino be unresponsive to the goddesses. "Seems like you forgot a little something in your plans."

"Shut up, Jashin." Kami glared at him, and then turned back to the scene below, unseen to the three Hellenic women. She raised one arm in Shino's direction, and turned it on its side. "Just a little twist, and…"

o.o.o.o.o

Understanding dawned on Shino's face, unseen due to his clothing and glasses hiding his expression, along with a healthy dose of suspicion, which was rather warranted, given his sudden understanding of the women in front of him, who all seemed to be arguing with one another… over who was the 'fairest.'

He waited for them to address him, finding a disappointing amount of amusement in just how vain they appeared to be. It was… pathetic, in a way.

"You there, boy." The eldest of them called out to him. She appeared middle-aged, though as though she had aged very well. "What is your name?"

"Shino." No need to give them his clan name. His personal name wasn't very common, but neither would it give unwarranted information.

The youngest, appearance-wise, wrinkled her nose at him. "You're foreign, aren't you? Take your glasses off."

"I would prefer not to, madam." Shino spoke stiffly. No one asked an Aburame to remove their glasses or their coats. No one except civilians, which this woman apparently was.

They seemed surprised, though a smirk quickly graced the two elder women's faces as the youngest glowered at him. So they were accustomed to having people listen to their orders. That could be both a good thing and a bad one, though it was probably a bad one, in this case.

"Excuse me?" The blonde woman demanded.

"You are excused."

… The elder two now had hands held up to their mouths, and seemed to be holding back laughter. The one that appeared to be a warrior of some sort, neither the eldest nor the youngest, spoke next, ever-so-snide in her tone. "Why Aphrodite, dear, it seems that your wiles are of no effect to this man."

Aphrodite, as her name appeared to be, shot the warrior woman a glare. "You speak as though you would do any better, Athena. I am the Goddess of Love! If he falls not to my beauty, he would fall to no woman's."

"That statement is based on faulty logic, purported by your own vanity." Shino didn't blink as all three women turned to him. "There is every chance that I could be looking for a woman with features quite different from yours, or that I do not enjoy your personality as I have seen it thus far. It could be, perhaps, your apparent age, or the fact that you are not a kunoichi. There is also the fact that I rarely judge a woman by her appearance, for various reasons that I will not elaborate on."

It was actually a result of being judged so often for his name, and thus his clan, and ergo his bugs, but he wouldn't go into the details for a woman like this.

There was also the fact that, given Jiraiya's tendencies, all male shinobi were now required to go to a special desensitization course by the Godaime to prevent them from falling prey to a seduction specialist.

Aphrodite just stared at him, appalled. Then she turned to the other two, furious. "Quiet!"

"My apologies, young Aphrodite, but I could not seem to hear you of the grand noise of your own failure." The eldest tittered, arms crossed over her ample bosom.

Shino was remind of one of Kiba's frequent jokes: _Sorry, dude, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my own awesome!_

He shook his head, just slightly, and watched as the women continued to snip at one another.

"Which of us is the fairest, boy?"

Shino stared at the eldest woman. "That would depend on your definition of fairest."

She frowned at him, unimpressed, and reminded him of the times that he had met Shikamaru's mother.

"The fairest as in the most… aesthetically pleasing."

Neither of the other two women objected to her description.

Shino blinked at her. He stared at the women.

The blonde one looked too much like Naruto's henge. She was buxom, blonde, and blue eyed, but had a certain structure to her face and eyes that made Shino wary of wanting to come close to her, for she looked beautiful but mean-spirited, like many of the women he'd met that performed assassinations and subterfuge with their bodies in manners other than taijutsu. Besides, while he didn't judge a woman on her appearance, he did have certain preferences, and dark hair was one of them.

The other two… were simpler. The eldest had aged well, but not well enough to be considered truly beautiful any more. Elegant was a good descriptor, and certainly imposing to a civilian, but not quite 'aesthetically pleasing' to Shino's eyes.

The last one had the dark hair, was not quite too old, and she was a warrior. Perhaps not a kunoichi, she still had the slim, defined muscles of many a female comrade back home, and most boys training to be shinobi were nearly hard-wired to find women that would produce powerful children, which meant that muscles were just as appealing a feature as a slim waist or well-defined cheekbones.

"What are your names?"

"Aphrodite." The youngest.

"Athena." The warrior.

"Hera." The elegant woman.

"In that case, Athena."

He felt something drag him away and into the darkness a second before the anger of Hera and Aphrodite snapped and killed him.

o.o.o.o.o

"Cutting it a little close getting him out of there, don't you think?"

"Shut up, Jashin."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Ah, Shino. He be trollin'.**

_**They see 'im trollin', they hatin'~!**_

**It was… interesting to write this. It ended up way different from how I expected to write him.**

**I'm thinking of writing Kiba or Sasuke next, but I'm willing to take suggestions (though I won't consider them unless you actually comment on the rest of the story, because then you're just being rude).**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


End file.
